There are two expressions in Urdu – one is Fitoor and the other is Sulemani Keeda. While Fitoor means to be obsessed with a thought or a person or to be mad about an idea, Sulemani Keeda perhaps means exactly the same without the seriousness. And the lack of seriousness comes the fact that neither you or the world around you believes that you can get what you are pursuing. Once again the belief of you being incapable comes from two factors
a) the task itself is unachievable
b) if at all it can be achieved you are not the one who is going to do it.
In this doubt lies the adventure of the journey.
There is a sher from one of the Gazal’s from Jagjit Sing which says :
Wo jo ishq tha wo junoon tha,
Ye jo hijr hai ye naseeb hai..
It means that while the romance was one madness, I have now accepted the separation as my destiny.
I have quoted these lines as they define my current state of mind. I have done a lot of things in my life, mostly bringing a lot of passion to whatever I was pursuing at that point, but now there is an underlying truce that I have made with what life has thrown back at me. I have realized my limitations and have totally lost the will to impress or prove anything to anyone, myself included. Having said that while circumstances have lowered my excitement, my enthusiasm to explore life to its fullest has actually become more fuelled. Therefore, Sulemani Keeda is something I totally relate to now. I still have goals in my life, three of them, with varying levels of difficulty. I have realized over time that I exist at different levels and my happiness does not originate from any single source. Essentially I love to create – to bring to life something which was not there before and in all probability would not be there if I did not work upon it. I am not bothered about the outcome or the quality of outcome but when I set my mind to it I get obsessed with the pursuit itself. And yes it gives me tremendous joy. I have realized that we are closest to God when we are sad or when we are creating something. I have summed up my life goals into three journeys that I must take everyday in three different directions to ultimately converge at a single point. These three goals address three levels of existence – material, creative and spiritual so they also kind of blend perfectly with each other. This clarity in my head has begun to give me a comfort that my life is sorted and death will be welcomed whether it comes in the next one hour or in the next 25 years. This is a superlative achievement as far as I am concerned. If one is not prepared to die one cannot begin to live.
Let me list the three down:
1. To have my own business – From the time I can remember I have been an entrepreneur at heart. The very act of creating something of value for which someone is ready to pay me is so exilirating. The quantum has not been of much consequence although it’s a good measure of impact of what you have put your effort and energy into.With a number of small successful transactions, a minor success and a major failure I am more enthused than ever to start a new venture. But till that happens I will try to bring that spirit of enterprise to my work in my current role. I know the time has to be right so I am willing to wait.
2. To have my book published : They say that you cannot but write if the words are inside you. I started my blog in 2008 as I have always felt a tremendous urge to express myself. To have a perspective outside of my conditioned self is something I crave for and when I have something to say I just can’t stop myself till I put it down in words. I intend to finish ‘ Aahang – A dozen stories from Now and then, near and Far’ latest by year end. It’s a collection of life experiences which are not my own but stories that have come to me via others. I hope someone will find it worth their while to print it. If not I will get it self published. I will continue to write my blog hopefully as long as I live.
3. To become enlightened : I can see you laughing but trust me I am also laughing along with you. Because of the sheer ridiculousness and audacity of the statement. I know I can perhaps never achieve this goal but I am compelled as there cannot be any other goal of life than this. What gives me hope is that while I have had an interest in the matters of the spirit since last 25 years, over the last 3 years I have made very good progress. With a guru like Maharaj ji and a teacher like Om Swami to guide me I am hopeful because I know I am not uncared for and directionless. I am devoting more time to self study and practice without any expectations. At this point I don’t want anything more.