अपना ही इंतेज़ार किया है मैनें कई शाम

वाह री बेखुदी कि तेरे पास बैठ कर ,

तेरा ही इंतेज़ार किया है मैनें कभी कभी ….

I heard this couplet a few days back and I am not able to get it out of my mind for some reason.While it suggests missing someone else at one level, to me it is more of an expression of losing touch with your own self in the midst of all the commotion that our lives have become.

My version will come something like this :

खुदाया ये बेखुदी कि खुद के साथ बैठ कर

अपना ही इंतेज़ार किया है मैनें कई शाम …

तमाम चेहरों में कौन सा चेहरा है मेरे यार

खुद से ये सवाल किया है मैनें कई शाम …

Between work,home and everything else in between there’s hardly any space or time left to connect within. All you do must be done and all relationships are your own asking but really how or what justifies existence itself.Time and again I ask myself : is this something I want to do ? Is this something I like to do ? Is this my calling ? and cautiously avoid the answer.

इतने हिस्सों मे बट गया हूं मैं , मेरे हिस्से में कुछ  बचा ही नहीं

To continue in this state is madness and I know it. But I somehow participate in it for lack of sanity….trudging the endless road to nowhere.

Waiting ,perhaps looking forward, for the station where I can offload myself .

Off I will go to a land where it all makes sense finally or may be not !

~ आहंग्

Advertisements

फिर कुछ दिल को बेक़रारी है – A restless heart

फिर कुछ इस दिल को बेक़रारी है

सीना जोया – ए – ज़्ख्मे- कारी है

my heart is becoming restless again

my nails have started looking out for my chest once more

फिर उसी बेवफा पे मरते हैं

फिर वही ज़िन्दगी हमारी है

I am willing to die for her once more

carrying on with the same life  again

बेखुदी बेसबब नहीं गालिब

कुछ तो है जिसकी पर्दादारी है

this lost feeling does not make sense anymore

there has to be something that’s hidden from us O’ Ghalib

The last couplet is the one with the deepest and most profound meaning.At some point in life the mystery of life and death does not make much sense anymore.One begins to question why am I here ? what’s the purpose of my life ?Is there a purpose at all ? If this is how it feels to be alive then how does it feel to be dead ? Is there a difference in two states or they are just mind play ? The questions haunt you but there are no answers.You feel deluded,lost and confused.

That’s when you begin to wonder what is it that my thoughts hide from me.Who or what does not reveal itself fully and completely ?Its here now and its gone another moment.You can feel it but then you don’t.The questions bother you so much that you want to scratch and bleed your heart out.

But you are helpless,nothing happens.

Even the 2nd couplet is a mockery of human beings.They believe in God as there is nothing else to explain there existence.Loss of God means losing your bearings.Which way are you headed,is there a way ? Like a compass pointing towards the light from a lighthouse your soul keeps moving pointedly towards the source not essentially sure if it is something real or its going to deceive you again like a mirage in the desert.

There is no rest or refuge so you do what needs to be done , passing life one day as it comes.